The thoughts that come when you think of a dream girl, outlandishly beautiful, mentally stunning, shares the same beliefs in different aspects of life, and someone who you can be yourself with and laugh with.
This is she yes in the most minute of details with each facet leading into tangents of unexplainable length, but “dream” has a more literal sense in describing her.
She lives in her dreams more than I, she shelters herself in thoughts and ideas that don’t allow her to feel the pain of life. Yes, the obvious tedious work and school stress abound her conscious but the intangible ideas of being part of more, of having someone love you she is caged from.
She didn’t want to hear that I did like her. She wanted to hide in her former perception of who we were. Just friends using an inexplicit defense of offending my ego with, son. I thought I was the one troubled with reality and liked living in my day and night dreams.
She believes only what she wants, which leads me to believe my speculated thought, my absence comforts her instead if bringing attention to longing for what isn’t present.
I am disposable to her, she could do without me. What did I supply for her? A different perspective on life, a common interest in stories of books and film, petty coincidences that she saw as being “twins” instead of “star crossed lovers”.
Hunger Games the book in the corner of her heart oh how I wish I was Peeta with his undying loving finally being received by Katniss. But in the corner of my heart there was a different story, the story of, Us. Number one anticipated novel waiting o be written and read.
It never will see light as far as I can see. Could you ever see, could you ever wonder for a second, what if? Just like the what if of me growing up with you four years in highschool we always wondered, would we have been that nerdy couple everyone secretly admired?
Enough of wishful thinking, all I want to know is why? I was selfish for sharing my feelings personally than going through an unreliable second source? You being a guinea pig to test to ace to gain privileges of translating myself from dreams to reality?
You are the one dreaming my “dream” damsel. I have become the reality “rajul”. Stuck like the sappy story of Jacob with unrequited yearning for more, best friend? No more, or could there be? I know the book may never be opened but…
You were the most wonderful time on this earth. Made me laugh, made me feel alive, feel worth something, made me feel loved, in turn resulting in being more me. This releasing of fear reminded me of who I am without it’s reins pulling on me.
It may be a mere dream in this reality of us being something more, but aren’t you dreaming your own reality to comfort yourself of the painful truth. That someone you don’t like liking you?
Realize this and we move on. I just thought if you have something good don’t let it go, and any man would be the luckiest girl to have you in their arms, but if friends is all that was planned for us, I won’t let that go.
The withdrawal of my favorite drug, her.
I watched 39 movies over break and read 2 books. So to make it 40 and 3 it is up to me. I’ll watch the last movie through my actions and I’ll read the last book through my thoughts. It’ll be the best movie I’ll watch and the best novel I’ll read.
This is a typical mindfuck and it has it’s storyline and twists. I have watched so many movies that I actually predicted what they didn’t want you to predict, just by watching closely. But what they really wanted you not to predict by covering it up with what they thought you wouldn’t predict to distract you I was suspicious of. Elements that leave you curious but discard because that would be too generic and it happened to be that. Though not wholly predicted it was still an okay watch it shows how brilliant or ugly the mind can be. The mind can totally be overridden and create whole scenarios and persons that don’t exist it’s wonderful. Not the best but if want a little mental loving, it’s a nice start to pop your mental cherry ;)
but I never followed through, I never finished it. I was more of a statement not a movement. I state but I don’t move. What are words without action, what’s thought without anything done? It’s like me staring at gun. Just awaiting until the explosion finally brings about my inner thoughts to come forth.
I sat with a circle of friends I consider good friends. Other than saying my hi’s and byes what good was I to the conversation? Nadda. I did not contribute, just listened and absorbed. Though usually I would rationalize this as being the “man with a few words” I don’t know if that is the case anymore. I think I might just be terrified, terrified that I don’t have a good story to tell. Terrified that their frighteningly action-filled lives will always overpower mine. I don’t control a group, and never wanted to but I have become that benign tumor.
The benign tumor, though not doing any harm is useless and should be removed. I don’t know why I shut down maybe it’s just that I succumb to the reality that I will not be that interesting of a fellow unless it is just me and one other person. Even at one point one of our friends asked who was the oldest and when everyone’s birthday was except me. Like I was invisible, and it wasn’t because any grudge or negative feelings but I just chilled back in the circle and I guess I wasn’t as prominent. I have always felt alone and isolated from groups though I supposedly fit well in all of them.
I have my mane, my long hair but I still need to find my roar. “I just can’t wait to be king” to have the power of influence to create positive change but how can I when all I live like is “hakuna matata”. I just have to find my place in this world and find that inner strength and courage to muster up to state and act on my opinion and not hold it in. Instead of assimilating to others and absorbing everything, it is time to share my thoughts as well so the “beautiful mind” everyone knows I have can be shared. So they can absorb me as I have absorbed them.
I’m just tired of it all. Tired of all the regression, I don’t want to forget the person I was or the person who I am as well as the person I want to become. I have become sheltered in my own mind, it is time to break out!
Some part of me thinks that I have changed into the opposite of who’ve always strived for, another just thinks that this is far from true and just looking at the negatives of the outcomes of some of my actions. Have I become selfish, conniving, and deceitful? Far from the selfless, good intended, truthful individual I was searching for? Is it me putting too much emphasis on negative activity, my current circumstances that brought me here, totally lying to myself, or have I really changed? I just want to know, who am I? Merry Christmas, Santa my wish list consists of that single question.
my friend didn’t want me to go to her mom’s funeral. I mean she made me feel like I was part of her family. The only explanation is that she wanted only relatives and maybe friends would just be an excess of mourning that added to her burden, but then my friends went. I wanted to just see her one more time, but I knew if I did I would have gotten emotional… because quite frankly she is the closest person I have lost so far. I know she doesn’t live in the body that lies in the coffin, but that she lives in all of the hearts of those that love her. But in a way I kind of wanted to go to see the person I could have visited but never got around to because of school, and right when I could have because of break I can’t because she is gone. I miss her and I suppose I haven’t mourned correctly yet but it never really hits correctly either. I just wish much peace to the minds of her closest and love to their hearts. She was a wonderful woman, and I will miss her warmth. But I still wonder, why? Another friend told me to ask when everything is calmed down, but I can only imagine calm is the farthest thing from someone’s mind who just lost their mother. My inquiry doesn’t override her loss, but it still pulls on my soul.
